David Letterman’s New Book of Top Ten Lists: and Wedding Dress Patterns for the Husky Bride

Top ten wise-ass things to say to the clerk as you purchase this book:
10. "Don't bother wrapping it. I'll eat it here."
9. "I can't believe some jerks just go to the library and check out books for free!"
8. "MEEEEOW!! You sell books to kitties, don't you?"
7. "Whoa! You must go to Letterman's barber."
6. "You know, they really ought to do one of those Cops-type shows about bookstore clerks."
5. "I was going to shoplift this book, but my pants are already full of supermarket steaks."
4. "Do you have a bag or something? I don't want anyone to see me with this."
3. "If this book gives me a paper cut, I'm suing your sorry ass."
2. "Can you Super Size this?"
1. "You gotta sell me some diphthongs, man! I'm Hooked on Phonics!"